Just Another Jen

In addition to TWO of my nieces being pregnant with HEALTHY babies ( 1 boy and 1 girl!), I got some good news just a moment ago.

I have two family members currently in a duel with cancer.

My Uncle just had his prostate removed. No spread of the cancer, they got it all with the removal of the prostate.

And my brother-in-law had cancer on his liver, and his …uh..rectum. He was in surgery ALL day yesterday. They removed the cancer from his liver, and with the rectal surgery, they ended up having to do a permanent colostomy, which, at 40-something years of age has GOT to suck. BUT! They got it ALL. It had not spread.

He will LIVE.

I am so very thankful because it could have been a MUCH different outcome for either one of these men. VERY THANKFUL.

As I said in the previous post, he is using again. For sure. He got paid on Friday and the money was all gone by Monday. How sad. Anyway, he called me yesterday morning, complaining about how he couldn’t get his pain meds because he had no money. He told me that he needed someone with a credit card to pay for it. Not sure why he was calling me, I don’t have any credit cards. Nor would I have paid for it if I did have a credit card. So I told him that if he thought I was asking my mom, he was nuts. And he said to me, “Yeah I know your mom hates me. And so do you. You have treated me like you hate me for a long time now. This is not going to work, us, I can see that now.”

*crickets*

My response.. “What? Seriously?? What fucking planet are you living on man? I have been there for you for every.single.thing. you have needed since your dad bailed you out of jail. Come to think of it, that is the only time we see each other! I don’t see you unless you need something. You have done nothing but USE me since you got out of jail. So yeah, you are right. It is NOT going to work.”

Then he told me he needed to call his dad and he hung up. Haven’t heard from him since.

Good.

This is how it needs to be. Lets see how long it takes before he calls me, crying about how bad he has messed up and how he misses me. Pffft. It is very clear to me now that he doesn’t WANT to change.

So be it. I DO want to change.

I think, was the sound of the 5 readers I had leaving the building. Hah!

As you can see, I am back and forth over what to do with my situation. I am sure all of you sit there reading my posts, shaking your head.

It is ALWAYS so clear when it is not you that it is happening to. I think of all of those times I sat there and yelled at the TV while watching a game show, or football. “THROW THE GOD DAMNED BALL YOU IDIOT!!” It is the same thing with you guys. I am sure you are crystal clear in what YOU would do if this happened to you. I assure you, it is NOT that easy. I wish it were. Hell, maybe it IS for some people. I did the right thing by leaving. I know that much.

But the aftermath of that has been fucking HARD. I know it sounds lame, but… well..truly heartbroken here. Completely. And that clouds judgment. It clouds every shred of common sense that I have. And some debate whether I had any to begin with! meh.

I KNOW that I need to stop with all of this bullshit. Today is proof, as if I needed any more. See, I have realized (FINALLY) that the only real time he is around is when he needs/wants something.

During the week, he calls me several times a day to ‘keep in touch’. Then this Friday was pay day. I have heard from him ONCE.

So of course I assume he is off getting high. In fact, I am pretty sure of it.

He had called yesterday saying he wanted to see us and take us to lunch today. He said he would call later and we would make plans. Well, he never called. So I made plans with Joyce instead. And once I am at Joyce’s, I need to shut my phone OFF.

This is such a slow process. I had kept hope that he would get better, we would get counseling and life would resume. That is what my heart wanted. My head tells me other wise.

I KNOW that we will never again live together. Our lives came to a fork in the road. He went one way and I went another and those roads do not cross again. That is just the way it is.

I have also, I think, sort of realized that…I don’t think I am in love with him any more. How could I be?? Do I love him? Yes. A part of me always will. What we had, before the drugs, was simply wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I care for him very much and want the best for him. But the sun no longer rises and sets on him.

I can remember this one moment in my kitchen, watching the sun rise. T was eating breakfast and talking to Maya and I thought “Dear God please do not EVER take this from me.” I was SO happy and content with our life. I remember thinking in that moment how I just could not imagine my life without him in it. How would I cope without him? I did not WANT to be without him in my life. He made my life great. He was my reason for being. He really was. I am angry that he has been taken away from me, but thankful I had him at all.

I get up every day thankful to be alive. I look at my daughter and I am forever grateful to him for giving me this beautiful soul. But I DO get up every day and I DO live each day, essentially, without him.

I get angry about that some times, and that is ok.

My misery gets less and less each day. As does my desire to see him and be with him. Which is good because I need to focus elsewhere now.

I was so worried of what people would think of me as I poured my thoughts and feelings out into my space here. Now, I realize, that the people that truly care, will understand even if they CAN’T understand.

Did that make sense? LOL

How do I let go?

I mean, really. I spent so much time being angry that the hurt never showed its ugly self til these last few days.

I feel like I am dying inside. I cannot stop the sadness. I cannot stop crying. I cry myself to sleep every night. I cry all throughout the day.

Fuck me. This sucks.

For everything major that has happened in my life, there is a song…a song that I know and love, yet for some reason I have never REALLY connected with the lyrics. When I was married the first time, I was miserable in every sense of the word.

That mess coincided with the release of a Mellencamp song called Your Life is Now. That song was the kick in the ass that I needed. It made me realize that no one was going to change my situation but ME. So I left him and moved to Florida and started a new life.

Then I met Todd. There was a song called No Place Like the Right Time by Donna the Buffalo. LOVE that song. And while at a Donna concert one night, we danced to that song, and connected in a way that I had never even imagined was possible. I couldn’t even begin to describe to you what it was like. We were so into that song, and one another, that when we stopped dancing and broke our grip on one another and looked around, people were all staring at us like.. whoah. It was so intense that people came up to us and said “Wow. That was intense.” LOL. Seriously. It was amazing and wonderful and before anyone asks, no we were not drunk and horny. LOL That came later. :OP

And now. I was getting some things ready to go to Joyce’s for the night. I was listening to some Tom Petty.. and this song came on. I have heard it a THOUSAND and one times, and only now, today, it hit me like a fucking brick wall. This, is my song.

Time to Move On -

Its time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, it s time to get going

Broken skyline, movin through the airport
Shes an honest defector
Conscientious objector
Now her own protector

Broken skyline, which way to love land
Which way to something better
Which way to fo rgiveness
Which way do, I go

Its time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, its time to get going

Sometime later, getting the words wrong
Wasting the meaning, and losing the rhyme
Nauseous adrenaline
Like breakin up a dog fight
Like a deer in the headlights
Frozen in real time
Im losing my mind

Its time to move on, time to get going
Wh at lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, its time to get going

——————–

Time to move on, indeed. Thanks Tom, I needed that mang.

Last night was NOT good. And I was forced, the hard way, to see that I just.NEED.TO.MOVE.ON.

Yeah. Go ahead, tell me “We told you so!” Everyone else will…

Because I cannot type it all out again, here is a copy of the email that I sent to T’s Dad last night when I finally got home.

——-

I went over to see Todd today. He asked me to come over since it was our anniversary, and he said he wanted to take me to dinner. Fine. So I head over. He had told me that he was going to shower and we would hit the NA meeting together, and then go and get dinner. When I got there, he was pulling up with this guy Mike. They had gone to Aldi’s to get some groceries. He had not showered. He had been in the field all day.. he went upstairs and changed real quick and we left to go to the meeting.

I noticed at the meeting that he was dopey and nodding off, just like always. So I asked him what in the hell? Of course he says he did not do anything, that he was out in the hot sun all day and he was tired. Then I noticed he was sweating like mad. He asked me if it was warm in there, and yes, it was. He said he was going to the bathroom to toss water on his face. He came back a few minutes later and was not sweating any more. Still quite dopey though, even after we left the meeting.

We never did go out to dinner, as he had no money left, and I certainly did not want to be out with him like that. I asked him about the 80 he owes my mom and he told me he didnt have it. He said he had another truck payment to make.

I nearly had an aneurysm, I swear. He has had to make a truck payment (sometimes TWO) every pay day since I left. Its a crock of shit.
He did not pay the lawyer today either. Pfft.

Ok, so I finally had enough and I left. He was parked behind me so he went out to move his truck for me. It was painful to watch, as he was so out of it that it took him forever to do it. A guy walked up to his truck, they talked, the guy broke out a cell phone, and I left. I did not have a good feeling, but what can i do?
(this guy lives next door…)

So, im about 5 minutes out, headed home and my phone rings. It was Todd. (He got a new number today..you know, because he wants no contact with ‘those’ people)

I answered it. He wasnt there, but I could hear voices. He must have hit the button on his bluetooth and it called me, but he did not have it in his ear so he was totally unaware. The first thing I heard was him say “OH SHIT!” Then I hear another voice say “Give it to me..give give. It is mine, don’t worry, I will just say its mine.” At this point, I thought maybe they were getting pulled over. Then I heard Joes voice and he said “You better not be letting this guy smoke crack..I am serious..” Then the guy said “No no…I won’t”

They drove off. I heard the guy say to Todd “So, you ok smoking this shit?” and Todd said “Aw yeah man. I go to work and am around people all the time, they don’t know.”

People do not have that conversation if they are just buying some weed.

My heart fucking SANK. And then, I started to shake. I was SO MAD. So then I hear this guy get on the phone and talk to a dealer, wanting to know where to meet him. I heard the whole thing, and knew exactly where to go. I pulled in right behind Todd, got out of the car and went up to the truck. I banged on the window and he just looked at me. So I said “PUTDOWNTHEWINDOW!”

He did. And tried to look all innocent. I said “This is IT. I have done all that I can for you. I am DONE. I cannot believe you are doing this…” And he tried to say he was not doing anything. And then I looked at the guy next to him and said “AND YOU, you fucking loser. Do you make a habit of tempting people trying to get clean??” And then I said to Todd “I am sure he had to twist your arm though, didnt he?”

And I walked off. I went back to Joes and told him what was going on. I don’t know if he gives a shit or not. He seemed pissed off at the time but a bit later Todd actually called me. I shouldnt have answered but I had to know what he wanted, as I couldnt believe he was actually calling.

Now keep in mind that the whole night he was in a bloody stupor, and when he talked he sounded drunk. So I answer and he sounds FINE. No slurring, no sounding drunk and tired. And he says “I just wanted to make sure you got home ok.” I sorta snorted and said “Like you give a crap. Please do NOT call me anymore. I cannot do this one more day.” He said a simple “ok.”

Then he said that he did not smoke crack. I asked what he smoked then. He got quiet. Then he said “I did not smoke anything. That guy needed a ride to the store so I took him. Then he wanted to go meet this other person to get pills after I wouldnt give him any of mine.”

I just said “Whatever.” Until he can PROVE hes not smoking crack, I am all done. I simply have nothing left.
He has absolutely broken me.

He didnt even wait for me to get out of the damned neighborhood. I am so disgusted right now.

I am sure he will blame me, because I wanted to know why he was all dopey tonight.. blah blah blah.

So that is that. Just thought you should know.

Love you guys.. I wish there was SOMETHING I could do. THis is killing me.

- J

——

As with my last husband, I thought I had learned that you cannot fix broken people. Apparently, I learned nothing.

I sat in an NA meeting with him last night. There were two couples there, and the men were the addicts. I looked at these women and thought “See? I am NOT alone in this. There are others that stick by them.” It made me feel good. I felt like I was doing the right thing.

One of the men spoke, and talked about his struggles and about how MANY times he had relapsed. And that each time he fell, he got right back up and dusted himself off.

HOW do people DO this? I cannot. I thought I could. I really, REALLY thought that I could.

I cannot.

I told him last night not to contact me any more. I am flat out asking my mom for the few grand its going to cost me to divorce him. I already owe her everything, whats a few thousand more. pffft.

Today was T’s court date for the injunction hearing. The judge left the injunction in place, which is fine. However, T’s lawyer stated that I was out in the hall, and that I wanted my home back. He said it was not fair that this woman is living in our house, rent free, while T and I have nowhere to go.

She said she could be out by the 27th. The judge sort of laughed and said “Uh. No, you will be out by Sunday at noon.”

Huzzah.

He should have a court date soon on the actual charges file against him. I like his lawyer. A lot. He seems pretty locked on. Oh and he is easy on the eyes as well.

I will go by the house on Sunday, on my way to the Hard Rock to see if she is gone.

(That is my birthday present from my mom… a night of gambling and fun. So, before anyone goes getting their panties in a wad that I am broke and should not be squandering money I don’t have in a casino, just know that we have a ton of free money passes from there, plus a free meal and a free hotel stay.)

If she is indeed gone, T will come by and change the locks. He is staying with a friend until he can save enough $$ to get a small rental house somewhere.

He is doing well, so far. We shall see. I ain’t holding my breath, but we shall see. I really just want him to beat this.

This should be interesting. I am wondering how much of T’s things she will make off with. And I am wondering if she will damage the house. It states in the injunction that she is not to damage the property in any way. And I had an officer in there the other day who can attest to whether or not any damage was done.

We shall see.